The Present Moment: I won’t regale my entire, sad saga of trying to acquire the Mary-El tarot deck. Suffice it to say that after months of trying and complications, it is finally in my grasp! The whole package is absolutely beautiful, although the cards are WAY too big for my hands. I love that the images are so large, but having cards this size means that I’m resolved to mixing the cards around on a table, which I hate doing. It scuffs up the cards and it’s hard to mix them when they’re all so smooth-yet-sticky! In any case… now I’ve got the deck and I want to get to know The Mary-El!
Some Back Story: Back in July 2011, the TMJ I’d been enduring for many years suddenly amped up quite ferociously. Most of my life, it amounted to me clenching my teeth a lot and this sometimes causing ear pain. But suddenly it was much, much worse. My teeth were aching all the time, and it was so bad that it was hard to eat. It continued to get worse, and despite the mouth guard, even my jaw joints were beginning to hurt. I sought out a TMJ specialist, and while I learned some interesting things about my jaw and mouth, I didn’t have the thousands of dollars he required in order to move forward with treatment. I tried just about every other, less expensive method I could think of, and after months of serious struggle and working to ease it, my jaw was back in control! The pain was gone and the clenching had diminished so much that I was even clenching less in my sleep!
…Until about couple of months ago. My jaw started twitching again (the twitches are called fasciculations); the muscles flickering in spasm, popping my mouth closed at random throughout the day. The clenching, especially at night, has returned, and I have been trying to figure out why. The fasciculations continue, and grow more frequent, despite my many and varied attempts to relax not only my jaw, but myself. Last night, I got so tired of my teeth clacking together against my will, that I put the mouth guard back in. And once the mouth guard was in place, my jaw was so active, one would think that I was actively chewing on the damn thing – but it was doing this all without my consent. Needless to say, I am so freakin annoyed with all this nonsense.
I’ve finally come to terms with the idea that most of my physical troubles are caused by stress and/or anxiety. Why I *have* so much stress and anxiety is a mystery to me, but I suppose I just take things too deeply into myself. I have been working on figuring out this stress and getting it the heck out of my life. I am also beginning to be more serious about my meditation and relaxation, but I need help.
The Reading: I didn’t ask a specific question, really; I just said “tell me what is UP with me, please!” and this is what it said.
At first glance, I read this to mean “Look, stop with all the self loathing. You’ve opportunity for growth and progress, so stop wallowing in how awful you are and move forward already.”
After reading what the Mary-El guidebook had to say about each card, I believe it is saying “You have an opportunity for rebirth, here! If you can sit quietly in this security and let yourself mature, you will be on your first step toward real progress.” In other words: continue with the meditation, trusting that it is good and true, and you will see results. I love how it boils down to, like, “hey, have patience.” I can’t even count how many times I’ve said (and thought) that Patience is the lesson I’m meant to learn in this life.