Five Months Later

Last September, my longtime friend and tarot mentor gave me the ultimate birthday gift: a tarot reading. It was full of all kinds of advice and wisdom that I knew I needed to take to heart. She made some fantastic observations and some great suggestions, so in an effort to be mindful of this, I set the spread image as my computer’s desktop wallpaper.

…Five months later, I still haven’t acted on it.

Sigh.

So today I decided to read back through her email again (I do this periodically, to remind myself of all the richness within), and discovered that I’ve been making some strides toward these things in any case, without even realizing it!

It feels like there is the strong possibility that you could really come into your own this year, however: the Actress needs to remove her mask first and let herself be her self.

The Actress - Journey Oracle

The Actress – Journey Oracle

And right at this moment of typing that, I’m reminded of the connection you felt to the sigil for desire -Is there something you’ve buried, or hidden? Something you’ve neglected because it wasn’t “important” enough? It might be time to grab a shovel or a dust cloth and re-examine those things to see what latent potential they might have, even if the only purpose is to bring you joy.

The thing is, when you starve one area, the rest suffer too – much like the Actress who hides her true self behind her mask, denying who she really is in order to play a role. How soon before she forgets who she really is? I get the sense, though, from the overall tone of the rest of the reading, that this is a card of change (as all 5s are). I think the situation here is one that is about to change, or _can_ be changed.

There a few key things that stuck out to me this time:

  1. The idea hiding my true self behind a mask, and needing to change this.
  2. Starving in one area of my life (due to focusing heavily on another one).
  3. Pursuing passions that I may have neglected or dismissed as not important enough.

All three of these themes have been moving toward the front-and-center area of my life lately, mostly all due to the same project! This year, I teamed up with two of my best friends and started a whole new online project, which has yielded a variety of interesting results.

1. I started using a real-photo-of-me avatar on the website and various social media sites tied to it.
This is something I hadn’t really wanted to do, but felt it was appropriate and almost necessary, because of the goals of the project (and to maintain a sense of cohesion, since both of my partners use real-photo avatars). Though the avatar I had been using for a long time was an artistic representation of my actual face, using a real photo is quite different.

The avatar I switched to was also a deliberate choice. It shows me in my natural state: dorky. (Honestly, I think it’s impossible for me to make a normal face in photos — I just can’t do it!) My husband doesn’t like it because he says it doesn’t represent the real me, but I argued him down. This shows me as I am, in a very candid way. While it would have been easier to choose a photo that just makes me look attractive and nice and pretty (which is certainly what my husband would have preferred), I knew that just wasn’t the route I wanted or needed to go.

(After a few weeks of using this new avatar, I have to admit that I am getting tired of seeing my goofy face, but I think this is important because it’s almost forcing me to become comfortable with the essence of who I am — and showing that to the people I encounter.)

2. I realized that I had been severely starved in the creative area of my life, and now that its being fed, I feel better in the other areas of my life, too.
The project I embarked on pretty much fell into my lap from the universe, like it was this gift from my muse, all packaged and ready-to-use. It has served as a conduit for many of the things I used to enjoy doing: web design, programming, graphic design, and personal expression. Working on it — and with two people who understand and motivate me in just the right ways — has been fulfilling and satisfying in a way that I haven’t felt in many years.

Thanks to this, I might spend a bit less time with my husband, but it feels like a necessary compromise. I realized I was spending too much time focusing on Work and Husband and not enough time on Creative Me. It’s amazing how much better I feel when I get to express my creative side on a regular basis — and how much it feeds me with even more creative juices!

3. I’ve begun (or have made plans to begin) pursuing other neglected passions.
Working on this project with these two friends has not only fueled my creative passions in that particular area, but each of these women has individually inspired me to get off my duff and start working on other things I’ve been wanting to do as well!

One of them keeps bombarding me with her mixed media art projects (pictures and descriptions of her processes) and it just makes me anxious with the desire to get back into that as well — and to try out new media that I’ve been daydreaming about for YEARS!

The other continues to hint at creative writing ideas that both of us have. We often tell each other about how we want to write stories/novels, but we don’t work on them for various reasons. We have now made it a goal to encourage each other to do this and share our writing with each other as a means of accountability and motivation.

Tarot amazes me.

You’d think by now that I’d be used to the cards being accurate and telling it like it is. But every time, I’m still just blown away by how complete and deep their messages are. I am grateful for every single reading I get, and I love the way that the cards’ advice just works its way into my spirit and helps me grow.

Irmata, if you’re reading this: thank you, so much.

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8 thoughts on “Five Months Later

  1. *confetti* *party hats* *balloons* *GLITTER*
    I am beyond delighted that your life is slowly coming into focus! It sounds like you are surrounding yourself with exactly the kind of “team” you need HUZZAH! (And *blushes* and stuff =o.o=)

  2. I’ve been able to tell what a huge difference our project has made on you, and I can’t even tell you how happy I am about it. But I don’t need to tell you, because you already know! Having known you for so long through our online connections I’ve seen you in various stages of creative suppression and expression, much the same as you have me. I know just what kind of struggle it is to maintain a successful balancing act in such a busy life, but I feel that you’ve found one now – or at least the beginnings of one.

    I still back you up that the”dorky” avatar is very you! Pshaw to the husband for his photo preferences. ;) No matter what element of yourself you choose as your avatar, it will be part of you… but I think what you currently have is one of the better fits for the areas you’re choosing to show it.

    I have to say, reading through this post alternately made me a little teary (happiness teary!), and squeeful and clappy. I hope you find the time soon to start working on your painterly art ideas, even if it’s just a few minutes a day like I currently am. There are still some days I don’t get to it, but I do try my best to set aside 15ish minutes, just so I’m continually making progress. I never want to stop when I need to, of course, but it’s amazing how much work I can get done in just a little time every day. I think if you have a specific time of day set aside for it, if you choose to go that route, it will help. Form a routine where when you’re waking up with morning coffee, right when you get home, just after dinner, or right before bed you spend just a few minutes on those things, even if it’s just making watercolor swatches, and you’ll notice a considerable amount of progress and happiness before you know it.

    I’m so glad to hear our other lady-partner is encouraging you creatively as well! I had no idea about her wanting to pursue that herself, so I think it’s great you will have each other for accountability there. I didn’t realize just how great this new online adventure would be for all of us. It’s already way surpassed my expectations, and gone beyond what I could have possibly hoped for.

    <3

  3. Thanks so much for all your support and encouragement (and enabling) over the years, Leanne! I think it’s interesting (and encouraging) that you can see the changes in me lately! I mean, I can obviously feel it, but I didn’t know that it would come across online (I’m not even sure how much it’s coming across in my offline life, just because I’m sort of aloof or something).

    I know that once I start playing around with the paints and stuff, it will be fun and I won’t want to stop, but for some reason it’s hard to get started. I think part of the problem is that I’ve been so busy lately, and part of the problem is that I have like… no room to lay out art supplies and do art. I’m going to have to remedy that, and soon!

    I like your suggestion for forming a routine, and I think about that all the time. It’s weird because I generally prefer routine, but I think when it comes to HOME, I don’t like it because my time already feels so limited that the routines become restricting (I guess I’m peaking mostly about the routines I’ve had to get into due to narcolepsy treatments and stuff). We shall see!

    I’m really happy about our new project together, too! Yeah, she has mentioned a couple times that she wants to write, but keeps that notion at a very safe distance. I’m trying to persuade her otherwise, lol. We’ll see if anything comes of it. We’re all so busy, I dunno if it will happen anytime soon!

  4. Awww nice! I had a reading from Irmata once and it was a right ol’ good’un – one of the best ever.

    I know what you mean about not actually actioning the points raised though – easily done when you either do a lot of reading for yourself, get a lot of tarot at a time of great kerfuffle, or else are just too damn busy wallowing/being busy/being phased by the very stuff you’re asking about.

    So cool you came back to it! This has inspired me to revisit a reading done by a very dear friend about two months ago. It resonated *so strongly* at the time, and then I did what I so often do, quick cameraphone picture, quick scribble of cards and then… nothing. Filed under I-don’t-know-where.

    Except I do, and I’m coming back for it this evening. Yay!

    Love your blog by the way :)

    Beth x

    • Isn’t Irmata just the best? :)

      I really wish I had the time to just act on every piece of advice I get in a reading, but unfortunately that just doesn’t always happen — as you said. At least, though, the advice still sticks with me and I remember it later, you know?

      I love going back and revisiting powerful readings I get from friends, because I like to not only mark my progress, but I also enjoy reliving the wonder and awe that always comes along with it! I’m glad this post has inspired you to do the same!

      Thanks so much for visiting and commenting, Beth. This blog doesn’t get much interaction, so it’s always nice to be reminded that people are reading it. <3

  5. So first of all, as always your post was fun and interesting and engaging. Second, I totally feel ya about website photos. Incidentally my current website photo (at least the principal one) is one of those “nice, pretty, simple” sort – that really does not represent me at all. Yeah, of course professionalism is good and all, but don’t we want people to have a sense of who we really are? This isn’t a bank or real estate business, after all. Sigh. So I’m working on that as well :) Good luck with your project! And I’m right there with you in terms of how Tarot can surprise us with accuracy and relevance‚Ķ even when we’ve come to know that about it!

    • Thanks so much, Olivia! I’m glad you understand where I’m coming from about the website photos/avatars. I have a really hard time doing to “normal, nice, pretty” photo, and I think a large part of that is just rebellious spite, lol. The company I work for insists on having a photo of each of us on the website, and since I don’t like that I’m forced to do this, I’ve gone the smartass route and used a goofy photo of myself (and since I’m the webmaster, I can do whatever I want) — hah! :)

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