Something Like Burnout

I’ve been super absent of late, so my apologies for not being a very good blog visitor and/or commenter the past couple of months. Life has been busy. And hectic. And exhausting.

I have excuses, like these (from good to poor).

1. I have been having troubles with my narcolepsy treatment, which has been wreaking all kinds of havoc on my body, my mind, my emotional health, and my general — you know — awakeness. Right now I am off all medications (until the next one gets approved), which is better but still not exactly perfect since I am sleepy all the time now.

My collaged version of The Star.

2. For some reason my enthusiasm for tarot had been a bit dampened. I’ve still been doing a daily draw, but other than that I haven’t had much motivation to read the cards. Things keep getting in the way of me making it to my tarot collage group each week, and somehow last week I just plain freakin’ forgot about it. What the heck, man. This past Saturday I made it, though, and it was awesome (see all my collage cards here).

3. I’ve been reading a lot. I can’t help it! I have a lot of books I want to read. This also means I had been spending a lot of time on my book blog. Which, apparently, hasn’t made my husband very happy (what can I say? He likes my undivided attention.). So, I’ve hadto cut back on that considerably as well, which feels good. But still. Not as much time for all the things.

So anyway, a few things have happened to reawaken my tarot interest.

1. See #2 above. I absolutely LOVE the Star card I made. And I made it in record time! This is the first one I’ve done where I felt inspired and knew exactly what I was making as I grabbed the pieces. And all the pieces were already in my box of collected imagery from previous magazine searching. Love it!

2. I got my copy of the Hirajeta tarot in the mail today. Dudes, it is gorgeous. I am so glad I backed that Kickstarter project! I even got four oversized cards, and while I didn’t get to choose which ones I wanted, I’m pretty impressed by the four I got (The Emperor, The World, High Priestess, Death).

Which means, I thought it would be fun to do a quick self reflective reading tonight.

Body, mind, spirit with the Hirajeta tarot. (My photos do not do this deck justice AT ALL. The illustrations are absolutely gorgeous. I implore you to click here and check out the higher quality images.)

Body – Ace of Wands
Crawling out of the murky undergrowth and reaching toward the fiery heavens. You know, I think is is a pretty good metaphor. I already explained a decent chunk of my situation up there, and I think this is right on. I’m reaching forward, looking to improve my body, no longer satisfied with the crappy way I’ve been feeling lately. (Also, did I mention, I’m looking into learning a martial art soon? Very excited. Possibly Ninjutsu.)

Mind – Three of Swords
Hmm. I was hoping not to get a pip, since I just realized the pips in this deck are the boring kind (darnit!). But here we go, and this card is kind of an easy one. Interesting, though, that it applies to my mind. So, what, my mind is feeling heartbroken? How about just broken? I do feel a bit mentally exhausted, and overloaded in regards to work. Still not sure how this one applies, though. Anyone?

Spirit – Strength
Aha…haha. Always, I get this card where I most want advice. But no, I think this is a good card here. Encouragement that my spirit is strengthening and finally leaning on my inner resolve, the way the cards always remind me to do. The fact that my spirit is aligned with my soul card is very good news. And this actually seems the most attuned and calm right now, out of all three. I am happy with this.

Music That Feeds Me

As referenced in the Liebster award post a while back, music is one thing that truly feeds and nourishes me, like nothing else. I’ve been wanting to write a post like this for a while now, but free time does not always come to me in abundance. But! Finally, I have come through. I hope that you will listen to at least parts of these songs, and that maybe you can see what I see (or feel what I feel) within them.

This is why I worship music.

First, the songs that hold me close.

(I’m going to have to break this topic down into multiple posts, so this time I’ll start with the snuggly ones.)

This song, Wingless, was one my husband showed me. It’s from one of his favorite visual novels (one that I regret I haven’t gotten to read yet). From the first note, it had gripped my heart and squeezed tight, tight, tight. Its melancholy, its longing are so thorough and profound that I find it difficult not to cry whenever I listen to this song. Whenever there is a rift between me and my husband, I listen to this song over and over, because it makes me feel so much, and it makes me feel so close to him. (Maybe that’s weird, but it works, for me.)

Lindsey Stirling is a marvel. Her violin music is technical perfection (even my husband, a long-time violinist, agrees). This one, above all of her others, also brings me to tears almost every time. The way she weaves these notes together is just magical. I was lucky enough to see her in concert last month and when she played this song I just broke down, bawling and trying not to be too obvious about it. I mean, how can you not?

Every time this song played on Battlestar Galactica, I lost focus of the plot and found myself listening to the song. It’s just so soft, so light, and so lovely (yet still, there is this darkness, no?).

I’ll stop here.

Don’t want to overwhelm you with all the feelings. (Or is it only me, with all these feelings?)

Making (and Knowing) Death

This past weekend, I went to my little tarot fun collage party again, and this time we worked on Death. It was another night of interesting discussion and fun! Have I mentioned how much I love being able to get together with a whole group of people who read tarot? It is truly inspiring and comforting all at once.

Our 6 different interpretations of Death

At Death night, one person was saying how each time we work on a card, their whole week seems to revolve around that card, and proceeded to share some things that had happened throughout the week. Surprisingly, this week has had some Death in it for me, too.

I have been doing my best to think like The Hanged Man, since it is my year card for 2013. I’ve been hoping that seeing things from a different perspective will open up new avenues for solving some of the problems I continue to have. I am pleased to report that today I have had a breakthrough (or two)!

It all started with a Death.

Today my daily draw card was Death. When I saw it, I said a little “heh” (thinking about the tarot collage card) and went about my day. Little did I know that my daily draw card was going to manifest itself much more powerfully than almost any other has before.

(I’ll try to make a long story short. Cross your fingers.)

Soul Searching with Soul Gifts

Once again, I’m following in Irmata’s footsteps. She did a reading on her soul gifts, inspired by a couple of posts about soul gifts and how soul gifts can also be personality flaws by Anna Sayce at Psychic but Sane. After seeing her spread, and reading those posts, I knew that this was what I’ve been seeking for a while now.

I’ve felt a bit lost. I know I should be pursuing some purpose, some… thing (as Ace Ventura would say), but I just can’t seem to snatch it from the ether, you know? I need direction, but until now, nothing really seemed exactly right. Now, however, I think I have my first step in the right direction with this reading. I’ve decided to follow Irmata’s initial spread and then break it down further with clarifying questions.

Soul Gifts reading – Darkana tarot

Because I’m digging so deep with this, I don’t expect many visitors to read the whole thing, but that’s fine. It’s mostly for me anyway, eh? I used Darkana for the main spread and Joie de Vivre for the clarifiers, because it just felt right.

Personal Growth with Darkana

I haven’t done a reading in a while (aside from the group interview), and I felt like working with the cards tonight. So, I picked up Darkana and found a random spread that seemed like a good idea. It’s a Personal Report Card for ______ (I chose “life” to fill in the blank).

And first off, I would just like to say that I *love* shuffling the Darkana tarot deck. It is by far my favorite deck to shuffle and I shuffle it twice as much as I do any other deck, because it is such a pleasure! If only ALL decks could be this agreeable!

Personal Report Card Reading – Darkana Tarot

My Personal Report Card for Life

1. What is my level of progress? – Four of Pentacles
I’ve finally gotten something good and I’m trying my best to hold onto it. Well, that is most assuredly true! I’m finally starting to feel like an accomplished adult. I’ve got a good, steady job that pays well. I’ve just finished paying off some old debts. Things are looking good, and I want to keep what I’ve worked hard for — and earned.

2. Where am I proficient? – Seven of Cups
Making decisions, eh? Good to know that I’ve finally figured it out. I think I have been getting better at making decisions lately. I’m feeling much more clarity of mind these days, which has been a welcome change.

3. Where am I blocked or failing? – Knight of Swords
Hmm. Darkana says “direct or incisive,” which makes sense. I *have* felt less capable of making myself understood lately. Apparently I need to work on that. Communication is important to me, and it has felt especially difficult.

What do I need to do to take the next step toward my ideal life…

4. Spiritually? – Page of Cups
I need to open up emotionally, and that will help me spiritually? Could be. It *has* been something I’ve struggled with of late. I guess it’s good to know that if I want to make progress spiritually, I need to pay attention emotionally as well. In fact, I made some (sigil-like) steps toward that last night!

5. Emotionally? – Two of Swords
Stop avoiding them. My emotions, that is. Hmmm…

6. Physically? – The Hanged Man
Oh, hi friend! Hi YEAR CARD! This makes so much sense to me right now that I don’t even feel like I need to type it out. I need to let go and try a new approach. Look at my physical self (and issues) from a different perspective. Interesting, and encouraging, since I have already taken steps in this direction. :D

7. Mentally/Intellectually? – Fortitude (Strength)
Good old Strength. My soul card, always showing up in similar places. Use my inner strength to get to the next level mentally. I like that. I’m actually liking how all 4 of these cards tie in to one another (sorry if you can’t see it, reader, but it makes sense to me, personally).

…and of course…

8. Where will this lead? – The Empress
Ah, excellent! All of this will lead toward me being a more ideal (in my eyes) woman. Except, without babies, of course. Darkana says “nurturing and natural” so I’ll go with that. Perfect. (Please, please don’t let it actually mean babies…*)

*Look, nothing against babies. I just don’t want any.